So you’ve been out on the dating scene for months and it’s felt like an eternity since you actually met someone you really like. Then one night it finally happens. You have that chemistry with someone and you’re hooked.

Then of course, after you felt yourself really falling for them, it happens… You’ve been ghosted. Why is it that the one person you are actually into doesn’t reciprocate?

I’m April Davis Matchmaker and Dating Coach at LUMASearch.com and today we’re going to cover 4 possible reasons why someone disappears.

#1 They’re not what you imagined.

I have a friend that is constantly being told by guys that she would be the perfect woman for them. In their mind she encompasses all the things they want in a woman. She was outdoorsy, loved to fish, and even had her own boat. They start to assume, probably incorrectly, that she’s the perfect match.  The problem with this is that just because she was ideal on paper, didn’t necessarily translate to she would be great in a long-term relationship with them or that she is looking for someone like them. To make that jump from having things in common or great characteristics to being soul mates is quite the leap and can be precarious. She has to reciprocate those feelings and appreciate what he’s bringing to the table. She has to choose him and decide she in fact wants the relationship as well. Without that mutual appreciation, there’s nothing.

We have our clients write out a list of 3 needs, 3 wants, 3 nice to haves, and 3 dealbreakers. If you do this you are creating plan in advance that you should keep to when you meet people. That way you know if someone doesn’t meet your needs or dealbreakers, then you don’t need to sit and overanalyze and dissect them. You know that if they don’t fit your list, then you should walk away. It doesn’t matter if they check all the boxes on your list, how attractive you think they are, or how deep the connection. You know you should walk away if they tell you they don’t. No exceptions.

#2 You try to go too fast

At the beginning of a relationship, you both are moving at different speeds. Your past experiences have shaped who you are and your ideas of dating. Often times I see one person who is already going 30 mph when they meet someone they like. They are very ready for a relationship and when they meet someone they like, they were all too eager to establish one and rush through the stages of courtship and creating that deep connection. So they would have too high of expectations of the other person. It’s important to remember it takes a while to get on cruise control so the relationship is on the same speed. At the beginning of a relationship when you’re just getting to know each other, you haven’t earned the priority in their life yet and they haven’t in yours. If you give them that priority before they’ve earned it, they won’t appreciate it.

#3 They’re unavailable

If someone tells you they don’t want a relationship, they’re not lying and you’re not going to change their mind. If someone is not over their ex, you’re not going to help them get over it.

I have seen people lie to themselves about the person they were dating. Now sometimes it can be fun and exciting to date someone unavailable, but you need to be honest with yourself if you truly want a relationship and long term happiness versus short term gratification with someone who sees you as temporary.

#4 You’ve lowered your standards.

Almost everyone has their standards when they’re sitting across the table from me telling me who their ideal match is, but the second they meet someone they really like, those “standards” go out the window, because they’re willing to lower their standards for someone they’re attracted to. I’ve seen people bend over backwards trying to woo the person they want. This is the exact time when they should be upholding their standards because that what makes you more desirable and attractive. When you uphold your standards, this communicates to them that anything less is unacceptable and they’d have to step up their game around you. Nobody wants someone who is too easy and chases them. We naturally want the elusive mysterious ones we can’t have.  

In conclusion, if you get anything from this video you should know there’s no amount of effort you can make with the wrong person that will make you happy. What other questions do you have that I can answer for you in a video? Leave them in the comments below.